Drowning in my Thoughts
by DuckaKellBell
Summary: Chapter 3 is up! WAS ONE SHOT, NOW WIP! Come read and comment on chapter three! Meredith is scared and alone. She can't figure out why no one can hear her. She is lost and confused. What REALLY is happening and what's just inside Meredith's head?
1. Chapter 1

Title: "Drowning inside my Thoughts"

Summary: WAS ONE SHOT, NOW WIP! Come read and comment on chapter two! Meredith is scared and alone. She can't figure out why no one can hear her. She is lost and confused. What REALLY is happening and what's just inside Meredith's head?

Please read and review. I would love to know what you think of this! And don't forget to check out chapter two that I just added! Hang on to your hat because you are in for a ride!

* * *

It's so dark. I'm cold.

What's happening to me? I feel like I'm sinking.

Am I fading away? Am I disappearing? Will anyone notice? Will anyone care? Is this what it feels like to be slipping away?

I am so cold.

I'm scared.

I feel so alone. I have felt alone before. I felt alone most of my life. But I never felt like this before. I never felt this alone.

I can't breathe.

My heart is pounding fast. I can hear it. I can't hear anything else. I can't see anything. Am I dying? What's happening? I can't feel anything.

I can't move. Why can't I move?

I'm sinking. Down, down, down.

It's so cold. Am I dead?

I'm scared.

What was that? I just heard something. A voice. Who was it? What'd they say?

What is that? Something is grabbing me. Is it death? Is it life? Is this it? Am I going to die? Is this what the end is like?

I'm scared.

I stopped sinking. I am going upward.

Where am I going? Up, up, up.

Am I getting rescued? Who is it? Is it a person? I can't see. Why can't I see?

My world is black. It's black and I'm scared.

I feel a breeze on my face now. It's so cold. My body is shivering.

I am being held. Someone is carrying me. Where are they taking me?

I hear sobs. I can hear. More sobs. They are loud. Whose crying? Why are they crying? Are they crying because of me?

A voice. I can hear a voice again.

My world is spinning. It's so dark but it's spinning.

I'm scared.

I'm laying down now. Where am I? What's happening?

I'm spinning faster now. Round, round, round.

Help. I need help. Make the spinning stop.

_HELP! _

Did anyone hear me? Is there anyone out there?

_I can't breathe! _

No one is listening to me. Can they hear me?

I'm so scared.

What's happening to me?

_I'm suffocating._

I can hear a loud noise now. What is it? It sounds like a siren. I'm moving. Where am I going? I can hear more sobs. Sobs and sirens.

_Ambulance._

What does this mean? Am I still alive?

I'm scared.

I don't want to die. My world is still black. Why is it black? Is this death? Am I looking at death?

More voices. They are shouting. Why can't I understand anything? What are they shouting? Are they shouting at me?

A noise. What was that? I'm moving again. This thing I'm laying on is moving.

_Gurney. _

Wait a minute. A moving bed. That's a gurney. They only put you on a gurney when you are hurt and they need to take you to the hospital.

_Hospital. _

Am I hurt? Am I dying? What happened? Why can't I remember anything?

More shouting.

This thing is going faster. A bang. What was that?

Shouting. People are shouting.

I'm so scared.

I don't want this to be it.

_Derek. _

I want to live. I want to see. Why can't I see? I'm freaking out here. Why is there no light? I am so alone.

_Knight in shining whatever. _

I don't want to die alone. Shouting. I can still hear shouting.

I can hear a weird sound now. What is that? It sounds like some kind of machine. What are they doing to me? Why can't I remember anything?

I just want to see. Who is in here? Where am I? I must be in a hospital.

_Seattle Grace Hospital._

I just want this shouting to stop. It's so loud. I want to sleep. I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep?

What was that? I just felt a huge pain run through my body. Ow. There it goes again.

_Paddles._

I can hear this loud beeping noise. One. Two. Three. Four.

What's happening to me? They are still shouting. It's so loud.

What's this? I can feel something in me. It hurts. I want to gag.

_Breathing tube. _

Seven. Eight. Nine. Teeeeeeeeeeeeen.

It is one long beep again. What does that mean? What does any of this mean? I just want to see Derek . Derek. He's my knight in shining whatever. He's my love. He's my reason to live. I need him. I think he needs me.

Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen.

"She's coming back."

What was that? Who said that? I'm coming back? Where'd I go?

I'm so scared.

I don't want to die. I need Derek. I can see something. It's not so dark. I see light.

"Her breathing is getting stronger. Her heartbeat is stabilizing."

There it goes again. Was that a voice? Who was that?

_Addison._

I just need someone to hold me. I want to be able to remember what's going on. What is the last thing I remember?

_Pink mist._

I was with that doctor. What was his name? Burke. Yea. That's it. I was holding something. It was black. I pulled it out of a patient.

I remember. I'm a doctor. A surgeon.

I want Derek. Derek Shepherd. He is a surgeon too. Isn't he?

I handed that black thing to a guy. I don't remember what happened next.

I'm scared.

I'm kissing Derek. I remember kissing Derek. I love him.

"Her vitals are stabilized, but it doesn't look like she is going to wake up yet. There is nothing more we can do here."

What? What does that mean? Not going to wake up yet? Am I sleeping? I want to wake up.

"I'll tell Derek that she is stabilized again, but still out."

Derek. That voice said Derek. Is he here? I want to see him. I need him. I miss him. When was the last time I saw him? I can't remember.

"Get Derek quick!"

Yes. Get Derek. Get him? Where was he? Why get him? What's happening?

"I think she might be waking up!"

That's good. Right? I'm moving. I can see. What's all this sticking out of me? Tubes and wires.

I'm scared.

Derek!

"Meredith? Are you awake?"

Meredith? Whose Meredith? Am I Meredith? Who cares! Derek is talking to me. I want to speak. I want to talk to him. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

"Don't try to talk, you have a tube in your mouth."

It hurts. But I can see. He's cuter than I remember. How long have I been out? What happened to me?

"Did you have a good nap, Mere? You've been in a coma for two months now. Welcome back!"

Dylan. Pink Mist. Bomb. Blew up. I remember. I don't want to. I'm scared. Make it stop.

"Meredith? Meredith wake up! Don't do this to me!

CODE BLUE!"

* * *

This is how I in a way think it should have played out after Meredith fell in the water. She didn't really fall in the water, she just thought she did. She has been in a coma since the bomb exploded. She forgot about it when she was out and when she started to come to she remembered about it and it was too much for her to handle. What it looked like to us as Meredith drowning in the water, she is actually drowning in her own thoughts in her head. She is scared and all so alone.

This came out different then what I had orinagally thought it would, but I kinda like it. I'm not sure if I caputured Meredith that well, though. I tried. Please let me know your feedback. If you liked if, let me know what you liked about it. If you didn't like it, please let me know why as well. I would love some tips so I can improve my writing! Thank you!

Darci

(If you like this, you should check out my other two fan fics "Silence is not Always Golden" and "Bewteen Life and Death".)


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, so this was just a one shot story, but boys do I have some ideas for this now! I don't know how many chapters I'm going to end up writing, but I can tell ya that there will be more after this one!

I can also tell you to hang on to your hat because you are in for one heck of a journey! I hope you like mind games and suspence stories because that's what this is going to be!

So, read and review this and let me know your thoughts!

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Dr. Derek Shepherd could just stand by and watch the love of his life fade away underneath all the wires and tubes that stuck out of her every which way. He has looked at hundreds of patients that had the same stuff burying them, he even did his fair share of burying himself. But watching Meredith Grey become lost in the same medical stuff broke his heart even more.

He wasn't even allowed in the room where his baby clung on to life with all that she had left. He knew her for less than a year, but he was still more than ready to throw the life away that he shared with Addison Montgomery for eleven years. He never met a girl quite like Meredith before. Trying to think back to when he first met Addison, he didn't even think she made his stomach do the same flips when they kissed.

Although Meredith may be very dark and twisty, and not bright and sunny like his ex-wife, he didn't care. Derek learned that that kind of attitude can get old real fast because everyone knows that too much of a good thing is bad. Too bad Derek had to learn that the hard way. Sitting here, watching his one girl slip away he begun to believe that it was the dark and twisty part of Meredith that was what drew him to her. Since he was very dark and twisty himself on that fatal night they met at Joe's Bar across the street, both very drunk, and both liars.

He still remembered the very first conversation they shared. Although at that moment he had no idea that she would turn up being his intern. He was very glad when she did, though because he was instantly attracted to her. Although he will never tell her that. He loved her laugh the way she told him that she's just a girl in a bar after he told her that he was just a guy in a bar. Both very big lies. Although he never dared to bring this night up with Meredith because they were both very venerable and hurting at this point, he still couldn't help but to wonder exactly what she was doing there that night. From what he could put together she wanted to get drunk one last time before she became a different person - a surgeon. What most people don't realize is that a surgeon, or really any kind of a doctor, is not an easy job. But Meredith realized that since her mother was Ellis Grey. Not the world traveling Ellis Grey, though, the Ellis Grey with Alzheimer's that can't even remember being the best surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. Derek figured that her mother was the cause of a lot of Meredith's problems. Which he can't really blame her.

At this moment in time, nothing mattered to Derek. He didn't think about all the times him and Meredith fought, or all the times that Addison would just pop out of no where when they even hinted at talking to each other. All he could think about was how she makes his heart stop. He didn't care about her little imperfections because Derek knew that he himself was far from perfect himself. He lost his temper a little too much with Addison, he was a little too absent and just became too caught up in his work. He also drank a little too much but he didn't care. He didn't care that Meredith also drank a little too much at times, and slept with one too many guys. He just didn't care. The more he thought about her imperfections, the more he thought they were perfect for each other. All he could remember was getting lost in her green eyes and smelling her Lavender hair from his favorite conditioner that she used. He also thought about how wonderful of a kisser she was. Her baby soft skin brushing up against his, when he holds her in his hands he knows a Heaven exists, and it's right here on Earth.

A tear runs down Derek's check as he thinks about what his life might be like without his angel. He can't even picture it. He risked everything for her, and now she might be gone forever. But the worst part is that he can't do anything about it. He can just sit idle in the hallway praying to God that he doesn't take her before it's her time. He suggests that if he needs to take a Dr. Grey then to take Ellis since she just makes more trouble for Meredith now than good.

There are some times when Derek is inside an OR operating on a patient that he just knows no matter what he does they are going to die. But you usually don't know that until you are inside. Sometimes their heart is too weak, other times they are too eaten by a disease. He always feels so helpless and this deep sadness for the patient and the family when he is in that position, but Derek now wishes that he was in that position with Meredith because then at least if she is going to die, he will be with her. He knew that she feared her mother would die alone. He couldn't help but to wonder if she feared the same thing for herself. Of course he never dared to bring that up, but it still crossed his mind. At this point in time he prayed that she didn't fear that. Although there are three doctors in the room with her trying to save her, he still felt she was alone. If this was Meredith's last few moments on this earth, he wanted nothing more than to just hold her one last time and tell her that it's okay.

Looking around the hallway at all the faces of despair he realized for the first time that Meredith impacted more than just him. The three doctors trying to save her are crying which that scares him even more because that can never be a good thing. But in some deep down place that makes him happy because he knows she really isn't alone. The four faces down the hall are far from dry too. They are her friends, and her 'person' is so out of control that Derek can't even believe that's the same tough doctor who never let's her emotions get in the way. Derek is upset with himself that it took a time like this for him to realize how many lives Meredith really did touch, but he is glad that he did realize it.

Derek's ex-best friend comes to sit next to him. He doesn't say anything because he doesn't have to. He knows that Derek just needs a friend and that is what he is going to be. He also realizes that at this moment in time nothing in the past matters. It doesn't matter that he did sleep with his wife and they had countless fights over women. All that matters is that his best friend's girlfriend could be laying on her death bed.

As the seconds turn into minutes, which feel like hours he thinks about what could have happened to Meredith. He found her in the water. He knew that she helped a patient because her jacket was on him, but he didn't know anything more. He knew that she was helping that little girl who actually saved Meredith because she told him where she was. But Derek hated the fact that he doesn't know exactly how Meredith got into the water. He knew that it is very likely that she was pushed since that guy was found near the edge, but he hated himself for even considering the possibility that she might have jumped. He knew that was crazy, but he couldn't help but to think of the bath tub that morning. She tried to drown herself in the tub. Then she is in a lake. He wanted to believe that it was just a coincidence, but he thought it was quite a long stretch. He hated himself for even thinking that Meredith tried to commit suicide. He knew that she was under a lot of stress, though, and she has been through a lot. He knew how much she was bothered by what her mother said to her when she was lucid. He knew how much she was bothered by her father not wanting anything to do with her. And then all the little things. He figured that the sight of the ferry boat crashed into the land like that and seeing all those hurt, helpless people just pushed her over the edge. Derek hated himself for even letting these thoughts consume his mind, but he couldn't stop them. He felt like Meredith very well could be dying because of him since he let her go to work in that state of mind. He knew that if she did die, he will never be able to forgive himself. Never.

Derek lifted his head as he heard the door squeak open. He lifted his head up off his arms so fast he thought he gave him self wipe lash. He saw Addison walking towards him. Her head was down, she had tears welded in her eyes. He hated seeing Addison like that, even now that she is just his ex-wife. She only looked that drained when something really bad was happening. He knew the outcome. He knew the answer before she even reached him. But he stood up anyways. He looked deep into her eyes, begging her not to say what he knew she was going to say. He hoped that maybe this was just some kind of sick bluff.

"I'm so sorry, Derek,"

Was all she said. That was all she needed to say. Derek became cold to the world. He was numb to fact that Addison was hugging him and that Mark was patting his back. He was numb to the fact that Bailey and the Chief were watching him with tears running down there checks too. None of that mattered. Derek didn't matter anymore.

Meredith may have faded off in to the great beyond, but Derek faded away that day too. His blood became cold. His world came crashing down around him faster than he even thought possible. He was glad, though that he was numb because he watched families go through this again and again, but instead he was the deliverer of bad news. He watched people fall apart right in front of him. He watched life's be changed forever. He saw their pain in their eyes. He feared for when the pain will hit him

He now knew exactly what those families went through. He was now apart of that oh so dreaded club. He was officially a member of the 'dead lover club'.

As he looked down the hallway at Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George he realized it was just beginning. They still have to be told. And he knew he had to tell them himself. It was at that moment that he realized he simply can't go on without his Meredith. His legs stopped working. His mouth and all coherent thought process stopped working. He wished that his tear conducts would have stopped working with the rest of him.

"Addison, come quick!"

Is the last words he can remember hearing before his world stopped. It never dawned on him that it could be good news…

* * *

Sorry for the cliff hanger, but I had to do it. It can't be no worse than just ending a story with code blue. But it's not going to end there now. All I can say is, get ready for one long ride.

Thank you guys so much for all the comments on the first part. That's what got me thinking to see if there is some place I can take it, and I thought of quite a few places! I just hope you guys will enjoy this journey as much as me!

Don't be shy on leaving me comments on this chapter.

Darci


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, here is the next chapter. I'm glad that you are confused, that's what I am trying to do. hehe. It will make sense before it's over, but it will be confusing. I just hope you enjoy it.

So, it took me a while to think of this chapter. I'm still not 100 pleased with it, but it's okay. It gets the point across. Anyways, here's the next chapter.

Read and Review, please!

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**Chapter 3**

He's touching me. He has his hand on mine. He's smiling down at me. He is looking at me with his sad puppy eyes. I smile back at him. He's so gorgeous. I stare in his eyes. He wraps his arms around me. He is squeezing me tight. I never want him to let go. I feel so safe in his arms. The world could blow up but I wouldn't care. I can see forever in his eyes. I can see us. I never want to let go. I feel safe for once in my life. He is leaning in to kiss me. I close my eyes. I'm waiting to feel his soft lips on mine. Still waiting. He's fading away. I can't see him anymore. Where'd he go? It's so dark. But I'm not scared. This place is huge. It goes on forever. Am I supposed to go looking for Derek? He just left me. Gone. Just like that. Where am I? My checks are wet. Am I crying? I must be. I want to be back in Derek's arms. This place is really big. It's so dark. But it doesn't scare me. I feel at ease. _"Meredith" _Did someone just call my name?

"_Mom?"_

"_It's going to be okay, Meredith."  
__  
"Mom, what are you doing here?"_

"_To keep you safe."  
__  
"Why? You never did before."  
__  
"I know, and I'm sorry."  
__  
"Don't be, I wasn't exactly the perfect daughter."  
__  
"But that shouldn't have mattered, you were my daughter."  
__  
"I love you, mom."  
__  
"I love you too, sweetie."  
__  
"Where are we, mom?"  
__  
"It's a little complicated."  
__  
"I want to know."  
__  
"Meredith, it's not looking good for you. I'm not real. You dreamed me up so you could talk to me. You need to make amends before you …"  
__  
"Before I what?"  
__  
"Meredith …"  
__  
"No, say it. Before I die. I'm dying, aren't I?"  
__  
"I'm so sorry for leaving you and your mother."_

_"Dad?"_

"_I'm sorry. If I could go back and change things, I would. You need to know that. I never wanted things to end the way they did."  
__  
"No."_

"_Meredith."  
__  
"No, I can't be dying."  
__  
"It's nothing to be scared of."  
__  
"But I don't want to leave … I can't leave Derek."  
__  
"He will forgive you."  
__  
"It's not about that, dad, its about being with him. It's about being in his arms."  
__  
"Hi, Meredith."  
__  
"Derek?"_

"_You shouldn't fight this."  
__  
"Derek, no."  
__  
"It's all going to be okay."  
__  
"I'm not going to die."  
__  
"No one is going to be mad at you."  
__  
"Derek, can't you hear me? I'm not going to die."  
__  
"You are losing your strength to fight."  
__  
"No."  
__  
"Mere, come here, I'll hold you."  
__  
"No."  
__  
"Don't be this way."  
__  
"What way? Wanting to live?"  
__  
"It's going to be okay."  
__  
"What is that? That bright thing?"  
__  
"That's the light. It's waiting for you."  
__  
"No."  
__  
"Can't you see? They already gave up on you. Addison is telling Derek now."  
__  
"But I'm not dead!"  
__  
"Yes, you are. I love you, Meredith. I always have and I always will. Even after your gone."  
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"I can't die. I don't want to die."  
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"Don't fight it. Just go in the light."  
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"NOOOOOO! Can't anyone hear me? No! I am not dead! I can't die! I'm not going to die. I don't want to give up."  
__  
"I'm sorry, Mere."  
__  
"Hey, it's getting darker."  
__  
"Congrats, baby."  
__  
"Did I fight it?"  
__  
"The light is fading away. You are getting another chance."  
__  
"You mean I'm alive again?"  
__  
"Yes, but you still have a lot of fighting to do. Your body is getting tired."  
__  
"But I'm alive?"  
__  
"Yes."_

They all faded away. I'm scared now. I don't want to die. I need to live with Derek. I need him. He needs me. I can't die. I just want to get up and walk away. But I'm scared. I hurt. I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be happening to me. Why is this happening to me? Is it because I killed Dylan and that other guy? I didn't mean too. That bomb wasn't supposed to go off. It wasn't my fault. I feel so bad. I just want this to be over. I want to be awake and happy and with Derek and not laying here. Why is this happening to me? I'm scared. I want to live. Please. Let me live. Let me be okay. I love you, Derek. Don't cry for me. I'm okay. I'm still alive. Don't be sad. I hate it when you are sad. I love you. I need you. I need you so much …

* * *

Did that make any sense? I hope it made a little sense. I'll try to get chapter 4 up soon. Mean while, can you please let me know what you think of this chapter? Thank you!

Darci


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